Is everyone making friends, except me? Tools for making friends in adulthood
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Throughout our lifetime, how we meet and make friends changes and can cause significant distress and worry.
As children and teens, it is often built-in to school and shared activities with neighbors, classmates, and people in our communities. In adulthood, starting in our early 20s, making friends can feel much more difficult and lead to concerns like loneliness and social anxiety symptoms (social anxiety disorder is a condition that needs to be assessed and diagnosed by a licensed counselor or therapist, the link provided is for informational purposes only. If you feel you meet criteria, please reach out to a licensed clinician for support).
The popularity of the topic, “making friends” is evident in blogs, social media posts, books, and conversations in therapy spaces. Psychotherapist, Esther Perel, talks about friendships and relationships on her podcast and has a game for supporting conversations with friends and loved ones.
In the March/April 2024 Psychotherapy Networker article, Esther Perel on the art of making friends: Skills for cultivating vibrant connections, Perel discusses the difficulties in making friends and offers insights and tools to move toward supportive and healthy friendships.
Throughout the article, Perel normalizes the internal dialogue we hold with ourselves including the self-doubts, the questioning, and the fears around putting ourselves out there to make new friends. If you find yourself wondering if you have anything to offer the friendship, or you wonder if it’s ok to request support from a new friend, or you worry you’re sharing too much information (or not enough), or you fear the other person doesn’t want to hear about your struggles or your life story—you are not alone; these are normal human concerns when it comes to making friends (2024).
Perel reminds us, “All too often, our worries about rejection and not being important enough or not knowing what to talk about are fears, not facts” (Perel, 2024).
So, how do we move past these fears?
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Perel offers these skills and insights for making friends:
Be Curious
“Let curiosity lead and focus on what you bring as a friend, rather than what you lack” (Perel, 2024).
Perel suggests that we utilize open-ended questions. “Instead of asking ‘What do you do?’ try asking, ‘If you did something completely different from what you do, what would it be? What is your unofficial resume?’” (Perel, 2024).
Open-ended questions invite curiosity and signal to the other person that we are flexible and interested in their thoughts.
Active Listening
After we ask an open-ended question, Perel (2024) stresses the importance of practicing active listening, paraphrasing, and asking thoughtful follow-up questions.
Taking a cue from the therapy space, you could ask, “I’d love to hear more about [insert topic/statement], if you feel comfortable sharing, I’m all ears.” Variations of that type of statement convey intrigue and keep the conversation going.
No Assumptions!
Our brains like to make up lies and stories; assumptions about what other people are thinking or feeling. With friendships, especially meeting new people, Perel (2024) warns us not to assume others’ perceptions of us.
Assumptions can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding, and we may prematurely end a friendship before it has a solid chance to start.
Sharing is Caring
One of the core fears we have while meeting new people is worrying we are sharing too much. As a result, we sometimes overcompensate and don’t share enough!
In order to connect with others, we have to share some meaningful pieces of information and stories about ourselves (Perel, 2024).
After actively listening, acknowledge what the other person shared by offering a similar experience or stating that you like the same/related hobby. This shows you were listening and provides another point of connection (Perel, 2024).
Have Fun!
Esther Perel’s steps for creating meaningful friendships does not overlook the fact that we need to have fun!
“Having fun can foster trust as much as sharing vulnerabilities and pain points.” She goes on to list things like humor and light-hearted moments, engaging in activities that bring joy and wonder as ways friends can “meld their worlds” (Perel, 2024).
Help?!
Asking for help is risky; but as Perel notes, it can deepen our friendships. Our fear of burdening another person often keeps us from asking for help. But many times our friends are more than willing to help and want to be supportive, we have to let them know what we need.
If it’s your first time asking a new friend for help, try using language like, “I’d really like your help/support on this project/task, is that something you have time for right now?” Or you could focus on a broader conversation around the topic, “I know we recently met, but I value your insights and our time together. How do you feel about supporting each other when we need help?” These are just examples, so find the language and wording that fits your style!
Get Outside the House
The last piece of advice Perel leaves us with is that the way to meet new people is to “get the hell out of our houses!” (Perel, 2024). Ask a neighbor to go on a walk, grab coffee with a new coworker, invite an acquaintance to attend a concert or event with you, join a book club or sports league. Leaving our house and comfort zone is the best way to find new friends!
It is completely normal to feel like this list/information is still overwhelming. Sometimes we delay meeting new friends because we feel our own issues are too big – our attachment style or communication skills or other social skills are “not where they should be.”
If those concerns or past friendship hurts are haunting you, seeking support from a licensed mental health provider is a place to express these fears and learn concrete ways to move through the barriers and experience enjoyment in friendships. We do not have to wait until we are “perfectly healed” (there’s no such thing as “perfectly healed!”) in order to have meaningful friendships! We’re all just figuring this out, together!
Additional Resources
Esther Perel has a YouTube video discussing making new friends!
Perel, E. (2024, March/April). Esther Perel on the art of making friends: Skills for cultivating vibrant connections. Psychotherapy Networker.
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About the Author
Megan Nyberg, MA, LPCC has worked in the mental health field since 2021 in outpatient clinics serving adolescents and adults. Previously, she co-led an anxiety, depression, and trauma intensive outpatient program (IOP) for adolescents.